Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts.
Author: Brené Brown
10 Key Insights:
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.
Not only is fake vulnerability ineffective—but it breeds distrust. There’s no faster way to piss off people than to try to manipulate them with vulnerability. Vulnerability is not a personal marketing tool. It’s not an oversharing strategy. Rumbling with vulnerability is about leaning into rather than walking away from the situations that make us feel uncertain, at risk, or emotionally exposed.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will people think?
If you’re going to tear something down, you have to offer a specific plan for how you would rebuild it to make it stronger and more substantial.
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
There are five elements to empathy:
To see the world as others see it, or perspective-taking
To be nonjudgmental
To understand another person’s feelings
To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings
Mindfulness - feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated
Engage, stay curious, stay connected. Let go of the fear of saying the wrong thing, the need to fix it, and the desire to offer the perfect response that cures everything (that’s not going to happen). You don’t have to do it perfectly. Just do it.
Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk—we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs. Research participants who demonstrated the most willingness to rumble with vulnerability and practice courage tethered their behavior to one or two values, not ten.
Curiosity is an act of vulnerability and courage.
I don’t want to talk about this because I’m not sure how it’s going to go or how people are going to react. I might not say the right thing or have the right answers.
Curiosity says: No worries. I love a wild ride. I’m up for wherever this goes. And I’m in for however long it takes to get to the heart of the problem. I don’t have to know the answers or say the right thing, I just have to keep listening and keep questioning.
Trust is the stacking of small moments over time, something that cannot be summoned with a command—there are either marbles in the jar or there are not.
We earn it when we say “How is your mom’s chemotherapy going?” or “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you asked, and I want to dig in deeper and figure this out with you.”
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